We Are Only As Sick As Our Secrets

“What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets” – Andre Mairaux

The root of self-sabotage, in my opinion, is in the guilt we have over the mistakes we’ve made.  I carry a lot of guilt.  If only I could save the ones I love. If only I could give them the things they deserve.  If only I could have kept them from getting hurt.  For years I carried the guilt and shame of not being good enough for the people I loved.  So I sabotaged everything good in my life.  I felt I didn’t deserve anything good in my life.

There are reasons I wasn’t good enough… I held secrets that rotted me from the inside out.   I never spoke of my guild or shame and hoped I could keep my secrets covered.  I was a liar… I was a bad person… I was a fraud.  I held onto my lies and guilt about them till they forced me to destroy everything good in my life.  Not until I was willing to tell my secrets and let go of the guild that came with them would I be able to recover.  I let my secrets go one by one and slowly I became a different person.  I was beginning to believe I was good enough and deserving of happiness.  I kept one secret and thought I’d go to the grave with it.

One secret has held me back from the life I truly want for myself… I told that secret to a dear friend tonight.  It occurred to me that I was holding on the secret so that one day I would let it destroy my life.  Maybe I was going through recovery, this journey, toward the life of my dreams to destroy it.  Like a child who spends hours building a castle in the sand ends the day by jumping through it.  Was I building a sand castle?  Would the guild of my secret cause me to destroy my life again?  I don’t know why I held on to the secret unless I intended it to kill me one day.

After my conversation with my friend I prayed, I meditated, I cried… I’ve started on a journey of self forgiveness that leads toward a long beautiful life.  At this moment, I am not scared…  My life, the one I’ve wanted, is the one I have now;  A life of honesty.  I have no more secrets left.  I am now, as God made me.  From this day forward, I am who I choose to become.  Thank you, my dear friend, for listening and accepting me for who I am and all I hope to be.

I hope that all who read this find the same safety to disclose the secrets that are rotting you.  I pray you let go of the past and start a new life.  It’s never too late to let go, forgive and experience the world from a new perspective.