“What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets” – Andre Mairaux
The root of self-sabotage, in my opinion, is in the guilt we have over the mistakes we’ve made. I carry a lot of guilt. If only I could save the ones I love. If only I could give them the things they deserve. If only I could have kept them from getting hurt. For years I carried the guilt and shame of not being good enough for the people I loved. So I sabotaged everything good in my life. I felt I didn’t deserve anything good in my life.
There are reasons I wasn’t good enough… I held secrets that rotted me from the inside out. I never spoke of my guild or shame and hoped I could keep my secrets covered. I was a liar… I was a bad person… I was a fraud. I held onto my lies and guilt about them till they forced me to destroy everything good in my life. Not until I was willing to tell my secrets and let go of the guild that came with them would I be able to recover. I let my secrets go one by one and slowly I became a different person. I was beginning to believe I was good enough and deserving of happiness. I kept one secret and thought I’d go to the grave with it.
One secret has held me back from the life I truly want for myself… I told that secret to a dear friend tonight. It occurred to me that I was holding on the secret so that one day I would let it destroy my life. Maybe I was going through recovery, this journey, toward the life of my dreams to destroy it. Like a child who spends hours building a castle in the sand ends the day by jumping through it. Was I building a sand castle? Would the guild of my secret cause me to destroy my life again? I don’t know why I held on to the secret unless I intended it to kill me one day.
After my conversation with my friend I prayed, I meditated, I cried… I’ve started on a journey of self forgiveness that leads toward a long beautiful life. At this moment, I am not scared… My life, the one I’ve wanted, is the one I have now; A life of honesty. I have no more secrets left. I am now, as God made me. From this day forward, I am who I choose to become. Thank you, my dear friend, for listening and accepting me for who I am and all I hope to be.
I hope that all who read this find the same safety to disclose the secrets that are rotting you. I pray you let go of the past and start a new life. It’s never too late to let go, forgive and experience the world from a new perspective.